Canto IX

Your Mum serves as a constant, steady source
of amusement for your easy to please Dad.
Her comedic moments run the entire course

from satire to slapstick, like when the bad
singers of ex factor draw her ire—
So loud that even in Sussex she’ll be heard—

“Put her cake face away, ya stupid whore!”
And when the aging antipodean,
Shows a bit more botox than before,

“Look! She’s got a stuck face like Pac Man!”
The one that tickled me most has to be
when she cried “He just looks like Matt Damon!”

About Matt Damon. And boy is she clumsy—
her screams and crashes only rivalled by
a bumper triple bill of Tom and Jerry.

So here’s Hallmark part, I cannot lie,
I was a Grade A dick before we met.
She made me want to be a better guy.

Not only is she beautiful and smart,
she accepts my sometimes stormy temperament
and patiently endures my sleeping farts.

So though your inner calm may take a dent
during the the many challenges to come,
Know this: just take it as a compliment

when some schoolyard dictator shouts Yer Mum!

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