Canto CIV

Imagine if the guests on Jeremy Kyle
had Oxbridge accents? What if doleful strings
accompanied the DNA reveal?

What if the lie detector’s bitter sting
was narrated by David Attenborough?
What if rival lovers entered wearing

dinner dresses, draped with ermine furs,
while slowly descending red carpet stairways,
to oohs and aahs and delicate applause?

What if Kevin’s STD malaise
was played by the Welsh National Opera,
as keenly as a Shakespeare tragedy?

What if Kyle wasn’t a pompous tosser?
Instead of barking “Sort it out!” he’d cry
a nations tears while trying to compose a

Petrarchan sonnet on their bitter plight.
Then we would fill our afternoons with weeping
and sob into our pillows through the night,

instead of pointing fingers, laughing, keeping
society’s ills from knocking at our door
while immunising culture from their sins,

for tragedy does not involve the poor.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. peter litton
    Dec 21, 2011 @ 01:17:38

    My wife used to record the Jeremy Kyle show whilst on holiday…perhaps that is why she is my ex wife.


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